Beckie and I have a combined seventy-five years’ experience as business entrepreneurs! Together we have created six businesses from scratch, despite warnings not to attempt working any business together as a married couple (tee hee). I was also warned not to work with friends. But all my business relationships are friends! We can’t remember burning a bridge in all of our business dealings. Imagine our shock when a business relationship delivered an ultimatum. The subsequent decision was critical to maintaining a thriving business, so it felt as we were left with little choice. Two undesirable choices led to little satisfaction with the outcome.
Our associate denied placing any demands on our business, so I looked up ‘ultimatum’. The noun ultimatum has Latin roots meaning “final” and that’s still what the word means today. An ultimatum is the final demand, usually with an implicit or explicit “or else” attached. The main reason to give an ultimatum is to claim some sort of power in the relationship or situation. But ultimatums are actually destructive to relationships. “An ultimatum is a demand, which is expressed as a deal breaker”, said Jean Fitzpatrick LP, a licensed psychotherapist.
It’s essentially a threat with consequences. Our decision to face those consequences led to a break in the relationship and a loss that we still mourn today. When faced with a decision to act against unwelcome repercussions to our business and family or maintain the relationship, the choice was clear. The ultimatum was an obvious violation to the relationship and a sign of disrespect. Let’s get a whisper on the spiritual side of an ultimatum:
Ultimatums are manipulation and a power struggle. There are rare situations where an ultimatum is required to create healthy boundaries or to motivate a choice toward wellness. That alone does not change the fact that when clear demands are voiced, a negative reaction is almost guaranteed. Ultimatums often emerge as a power struggle with the energy of fear, anger, or frustration as one aspect of the emotional underpinnings that come with a final word or demand.
To some, it could feel like a betrayal, which is an attack on the heart. Ego energy is an expression of the heart, so the response to a demand can be swift and full of emotional content. The ultimatum removes negotiation and cannot be easily ignored. An immediate break in the relationship occurs with any final demand attached. Ultimatums are not good for business or relationships, despite any sense of necessity. They simply are not an effective strategy in most cases.
When given an ultimatum, seek clarity as to the true meaning that was intended. Perhaps more discussion will bring a peaceful solution. Agreement on a trial period to resolve the issue could help avoid the final demand. Look for the motive behind the action, as understanding leads to forgiveness and new beginnings with a relationship issue.
The delivery of an ultimatum without flexibility is a limitation that is difficult to overcome, even if the demand is honored. There will always be some measure of resentment for the method used to force the decision, which is an emotion that can remain buried within for a period of time. Deep emotional disharmony would adversely affect most relationships. When given an ultimatum, pause to give your most calm, loving, peaceful self time to decide before responding.
Bring joy, ease suffering and create beauty, then dance like you mean it!
Blessings, Russell
“Don’t give me an ultimatum unless you are ready to accept the consequences.” Unknown
